So most people I know, including myself, do not want to talk about their reproductive setbacks as they are occurring. People don’t usually know what to say in response (which means that sometimes they say really stupid things, see below) and it’s also just generally uncomfortable having your uterus and sex life be a topic of conversation. So when you are late to work, or can’t go on that road trip, or need to reschedule a dinner, you get really good at coming up with reasons that have nothing to do with your vagina, e.g. I can’t make it because the shower broke and I have to wait for the plumber.

Maybe if I eat this I’ll get pregnant? Maybe if I stop eating that I’ll get pregnant? Of course a healthy lifestyle is important when you are trying to get pregnant, and there are foods that could help or hinder. The thing is, you aren’t not-pregnant because of something you didn’t do, something you did wrong, or something you did too much of. I promise. So yes, change your diet or exercise habits or magic spells as you (and your medical provider) see fit, but also eat the slice of cake because we all need a little pick me up sometimes.

These will range from ultrasounds, to invasive tests, to straight up surgery. They all suck, though some are more painful than others. Yup, painful. Apparently it is not enough to be in emotional pain, let’s throw some physical pain into the mix. The “good” news is that many fertility clinics also provide counseling, so if you need it, use it. If you don’t need it, use it. The entire staff is there to help you get where you want to go the healthiest way possible. Take them up on it.

You will encounter the trans-vaginal ultrasound often enough for anyone to think you are best friends, but we all know you hate that bitch. I mean, it’s a penis shaped ultrasound wand that gets inserted into your vagina by a stranger. You want foreplay? You usually get to watch them put the condom on it and lube up. Thankfully, this was not physically painful for me, but for some people it is. I’m also just a super awkward human in general, so add a supremely uncomfortable situation to the mix and you’ve got a real scene on your hands.

Don’t forget the popcorn.

Boy, do I wish I was kidding. Depending on your individual needs, there’s a decent chance you’re going to need to inject yourself with some hormone at some point. Unfortunately, you’re going to get really comfortable with needles in general throughout this process.

Speaking of needles, you will have your blood drawn approximately 95,414,752 times. They check your hormone levels, they check if you’re pregnant, they check if you’re ovulating, they check everything. And they check it all through blood tests. And they check it all at every appointment, and several other times throughout your cycle. If you think I’m exaggerating, I’ll have you know that one phlebotomist compared the scar tissue on my veins to track marks.

People say stupid things all the time, but OMFG do people say stupid things when they find out you’re trying to have a baby. “Have you tried [this]?” “Just quit trying and it will happen!” One of my all time (least) favorites: “Everything happens for a reason.” I mean, yes, I’ve tried that. I’ve been doing this for over a year and have a team of medical professionals advising me. And no, it won’t just happen if we stop trying, because for every person you’ve heard about that got pregnant after they stopped trying, there are hundreds that didn’t that you will never know about. And I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, but if that’s so, I’d love to see a list of possible reasons regarding my destiny to be infertile. But I can’t. Because it doesn’t exist. People are the worst.

I never wanted to talk to anyone because inevitably, they were pregnant. My sister in law, my best friend, and two women I work with, for starters. This comes with a complicated cocktail of emotions, because I was legitimately happy for all of them, but I was also angry and sad and hopeless and hiding all of those bad feelings while shelling out congratulations.

So. Many. Emotions.